Regrets

In this month where everyone is posting eternally long lists of things they are thankful for, I have one of regrets. That may sound horrible. Thanksgiving is next week after all.

But my year has not gone according to plan in any way possible. It has taken every detour it could possibly take, every rabbit trail, every pot-hole infested back road of misery, and left me vulnerable, weak, hurting, and uncertain that the sun will even rise in the morning. (okay, maybe that last bit is an exaggeration … maybe)

So, instead of sitting around finding things to be thankful for in the midst of my misery, and pretending I am actually thankful and not miserable, I decided I would just be miserable. No one cares anyway. I have no one to be accountable to, no one cheering me on, no one supporting me. It’s just me …

Sure I have friends and they are great. Some of them are even good enough friends that they know my secrets and still talk to me. But thinking about that defeats my wallowing in misery and regret. I can’t go there right now.

The one friend that made me smile for a few months recently, that kept me on my toes, that made me a better person is no longer there. Right now, that’s a huge regret. I don’t know, maybe later it won’t be but I’m pretty sure it won’t change status soon. Certainly not in time for Thanksgiving (because then I’d really have something to be thankful for and we can’t have that …)

My other regrets in life right now are varied.

I regret not loving other people enough.

I regret not saying what I really believe.

I regret not sharing my passions with the world.

I regret not being brave enough.

I regret not needing other people to love me as much as I love them.

I regret not tearing down walls.

I regret not letting others see my tears.

I regret not being human enough.

I regret not having enough money to help everyone I see.

I regret not being able to feed the poor.

I regret not having the power to change the world.

I regret not speaking out loud enough … or long enough.

I regret not having the words to make peace a reality for everyone.

For all the misery in my life, all the trivialities of what I’ve been through and face day in and day out, the regrets that eat at my heart are overwhelming at the best of times. But that’s as it should be.

But why regrets in this month of thanks?

Because those who are the most thankful, are often the ones with the deepest regrets. I know I am …

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