You Said …

You said you didn’t understand why I was always so negative about things, why I always went for the dark side, that I needed to be more positive, more like you …

But … more like what?

Traditional? Confining everything and everyone to some niche? Applying rules that are random and have no meaning? Conforming to the status quo? Never asking a question?

If that’s positive, I don’t want to be that.

If being negative is being truthful and fighting for change, then I guess that’s just how I am and if you’re going to be in my life, that’s what you’ll have to live with because I don’t need to be fixed. Not by you.

And how is that positive anyway?

How is your opinion of me, thinking I need to change and be different a positive thing? You’re the one seeing something wrong, rather than seeing something good … all because

I asked you for the truth …

So all those conversations that kept you company, all the times I ignored your terseness, all the times I didn’t laugh at your ideas or make fun of you for having a dream, …

those were negative too?

When I told you that I was a better person with you in my life … that was negative? When I said I thought it was great how determined and driven you were … that was negative? When I liked what you wrote … that was negative?

I showed you passion and forgiveness and all I asked for was the same in return.

Maybe I should have been negative with you. Maybe I should have told you what a narcissist you are, how your plans for your farm are naïve, how your writing needs …

No. It’s too simple to play that game.

Because I’m not you. And I’m not whatever bad person happened to you before. I’m not your ex-wife or that teacher that didn’t like you or the girl who left you alone. I’m not another disappointment who wants to crush your heart and leave you bleeding in the street. I want what’s best for you.

But you couldn’t see that …

You couldn’t see that what was best for you was to not have me in your life. You couldn’t see that distance and age and time were not in our favor. You couldn’t see that I couldn’t give you the world and make it live it up to your dreams and how hard it was for me to know that.

I couldn’t disappoint you …

Because I never wanted to hurt you. I wanted to scoop you in my arms and protect you. I wanted to share everything I had and give you all of me. I wanted to love you forever.

But I knew I was broken …

And a broken pot can’t hold much. Love leaks out, drips along the ground until all that’s left is a wet spot on the trail that someone mistakes for deer piss or worm slime. How fitting. A commentary on where life has led me.

I didn’t want you to know …

I wanted you to like me. I wanted someone to like me for who I am and what I thought. I wanted to be able to share anything and everything. I wanted to be passionate about life again, to fill in the holes, to have time to fix the pot.

I didn’t want you to see …

the weight of responsibility that crushes my soul day in and day out, never relenting, always adding one more stone until it seems I’ll never catch my breath again.

I just wanted …

to love you, unashamed and passionate about life, filled with hope and beauty. I just wanted you.

But you said …

 

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